The Saddest Thing a Friend Ever Told Me

19 Years on October 19th!
Not Perfect, Not Even Great, But Real
and Redeemed and Still Growing.

We were living in a town home attached to two other young families. I had three little munchkins, and each of my neighbors had daughters about the same age as my oldest. We were delightfully in each others lives: watching the kids ride bikes out front, watching the kids play in the back, going to parenting classes together, cooking together, cutting kids' hair, going to the park, babysitting for each other, eating and drinking and laughing and just being young moms and wives.

One winter, my next door neighbor was noticeably withdrawn. I hardly saw her, she never spoke to me, and I had no idea what was going on. I mean, we shared a common wall in our homes for crying out loud. How could she be so far away? Finally a mutual friend shared that my neighbor was experiencing horrible marriage trouble, which basically ripped her marriage and family apart. She also told me that my neighbor did not want me to know, because she thought my marriage and family were so perfect. That is the saddest thing a friend ever told me. 


If only she knew the heartache I had endured in my own marriage. Maybe the common wall of our town home was so thick that she never heard my angry shouts or tears of fear and pain. Had I truly managed to pull off a "perfect pose" in the midst of some of the hardest years of my life? Was I the kind of friend who couldn't be told horrible, shameful news? I was devastated, both with her situation and with our friendship. 


I tried to engage her, to share my own story, but she was locked away in her pain and our friendship was never the same. She moved away and eventually did not write back, and that was it. Her daughter must be in college now. I wonder where they are and what they are doing? 


I still remember her, especially because she taught me a life long lesson on being real: barefaced, shamelessly undisguised. It has taken years to learn it, many trials and humiliations, and desperation I could scarcely have imagined. I hope the result is a "me" who is transparent and willing to let friends know my dirt. Sometimes I fear they'd just as soon not know so much "me", but it's the only way I know to be a true friend. So, sorry to my uncomplicated friends who think I am the epitome of TMI. And thank you to those that not only care about my crazy life, but share their stuff with me. 


What I longed to hear from my dear next door neighbor was, "I want you to know, because your marriage and family is far from perfect, but I've seen the miracles God's done in your life. I know you'll understand and love me no matter what."


And I hope I never hear those horrible words again.